My desk looks like a tornado hit it. Hard. I'm completely ok with that, though. When there is a lack of work, if done properly, it gives the appearance that work is being done. There are documents that have literally been on top of my desk for 3 weeks, and when I'm doing actual work, they still sit there. You can never appear to have too much work.

There are random post-it notes on my desk, once used for actual work, that I had taken notes on at some point. When I take notes very quickly, the writing is usually spaced out pretty good. However, due to my disdain for waste, they will sit there until they are completely covered in ink. If you grabbed one and started looking at it, the text goes in 8 different directions, and you would be hard pressed to figure out the relationship between a whole bunch of fractions and [I just realized that nothing else on the paper can be written here, even in a vague manner, so that's the end of that example].

Technically, if done right, most of the work that I have to do can be done without the use of physical papers. A good chunk of it can either be done away from the desk, or on the computer in such a manner that nothing physical needs to be produced, save for proofreading.

Now, there is a balance to this. The paper can't just be thrown there, which is pretty much the manner in which it got there, Things have to be stacked and offset in ways to show that they were lovingly placed in their current position, in an attempt to denote order and importance.

After writing that last paragraph, I took a look at my desk, and believe I'm violating that rule. Time to get to work.

I have a bunch of cousins.  However, I deal with 3 of them a LOT more than I deal with other ones, and they come in a group, since they are siblings.

The eldest is by far the most normal.  This probably explains why he is going insane around the other two.  He mostly uses me for advice when it comes to buying things or working out.  He may also go into the military or law enforcement.  Like I said, most normal one.

The middle cousin is the one that seems to want to debate all the time.  However, the things he brings to the table aren't sound arguments.  Yeah, I know.  I'm debating an 8th grader, but in the age of the internet, they should have as much information as anyone else, especially when they are choosing the topics.  It's like everything is a competition.

The youngest one, and only girl, is the most fun/annoying.  If you go by what my family says, she apparently admires me.  However it does not show.  Mostly, she hands me a Nintendo DS to have me complete various games for her.  I'm like a 28-year-old game genie.  If she had better games, I would stop buying games for myself.

A few weeks ago, she told me that I was her second favorite cousin.  When i asked who the favorite was, she said it was my brother.  This surprised EVERYONE, since it was clearly a huge lie.  Also, of the people she could choose, we were surprised that she did not pick a more believable lie.  I proceeded to tell her that she was my 26th favorite cousin.  I also let her know that I had no ides if I even have 25 other cousins, so blank spaces would rank above her, and any new cousins would occupy those spaces.  I also demoted her a couple of ranks over teh next week or two. 

Yes, I'm mature.

Every other week or so, someone I know will present me with a piece of information that I will have to take to my grave.  Only a small few of these are mine.  I may create something I have to take to the grave once a year, if that.  Strangely, none of these are work related.  Those will usually declassify 20 years from when I am told, and unless I work on them, I can pretty much forget about it.

Why am I seen as some safe for information?  It's right up there with being the advice guy.  It's scary when you are piecing together your life, and people are looking to you as the person that has it all together.  It almost makes me want to say, "Holy crap, you're screwed if I'm the guy that's helping you." 

It's so bad that I have temporarily forgotten some of the secrets.  That is, they are not in my active "keep your mouth shut" area.  They only come up when come catalyst reminds me of it.  For example, let's say that you secretly switched your family's cereal to the cheap stuff, but didn't tell the kids.  You let me know this, but tell me not to tell them.  I'll most likely forget about it.  However, when I'm having breakfast at your house, and your kid says he really likes his cereal (calling it by a different name), I am suddenly reminded, and them promptly have to shut up.

The amount of secret planning that I am a part of makes me feel like the Delta Force of friends.  I can't confirm or deny anything.

On a final note, many of the ones that I create for myself normally don't really involve me.  It's usually information that I ply out of people when they are drunk, or through conversation techniques that I developed.  It's like, "Oops.  Now that I know that, let's never bring it up again."

Sunday, I went to BJ's. Having not lived in NYC over the holiday season in a while, I have forgotten to not go to the store on a Sunday during holiday season.  That's when everyone shops, and they all seem to get dumber doing it.  I also reinforced my strong love of going shopping online, where there are no long lines, no pressure, no parking, and no need to wear anything more than my pajamas.

My largest gripe today was the volume of shoppers, and that it was artificially inflated. 

"How?" you ask.

For some reason, some families feel that it is necessary to bring the entire brood out to the supermarket when they need some items.  It's not like they were bringing teenage children, who could actually aid in the shopping.  Incidentally, there was probably no way they could get those kids to agree to come shopping, anyway.

No, it was small children.  Ankle-biters. 

This was made worse bu the fact that in almost every case, both parents were there.  Was no one willing to sit at home for an hour with the kids?  Is it impossible to make decisions on what scent of Tide to get?  Maybe if it were Wegman's.  They have a huge selection of each type of item.  There may need to be some discussion to decide on a couple of items.  But not BJ's.  BJ's has a very limited selection, limited to only the most popular items, and only in bulk quantities.  Heck, there are types of pasta that aren't available at BJ's.

Is one individual not capable of properly and fully executing the purchasing of items on a list?  How the hell did you eat when you were single?  Thank goodness you were able to find someone so that your collective brain power was sufficient to execute the difficult task of obtaining eggs, milk, and bread.

Nothing against women, but it's like you are just there to supervise the shopping of your husband or boyfriend.  If this is really necessary, maybe you need to reevaluate some things.  In the majority of situations that I saw, the male drove, paid, and loaded the groceries into the car.  The female's tasks consisted of telling the kids not to touch stuff and loading them into the car at the end.  Her job is only created by coming on the trip and bringing the kids.

Meanwhile, I operate in the stores like a champ.  Stash the cart somewhere, grab a number from the meat section, and bring light items back to the cart, not wasting a moment of time. 

I know I've written a post just like this before, but I don't really expect anyone to go back through my archives and read the old one.  Except Ellen.  Yes you.  And no, there are no other Ellens.

I usually tell friends and family not to try and shop for me.  It's really an exercise in futility, and they should just take one of the easy roads: cash or my Amazon.com wish list.  Most of them aren't computer savvy, though.  And yes, I want the Mr Nanny/Suburban Commando dual disk DVD.

Now, some people would say that cash has no thought put into it.  Yeah, well neither do scented bath soaps.  At least cash is useful.  If I'm getting a gift for a friend and I know they are having issues with bills or something, cash is the perfect gift.  They can use it for whatever then need.

If you're a good gift giver, like I consider myself, you usually give someone something that fits into their life perfectly.  Sometimes it's something they barely knew that they needed.  That's why its hard to get me something.

I generally know what i need at any given time.  In fact, as soon as I identify a need, I write it down in my little notebook, and later bookmark a web page that has it.  At some point in the future, I go buy it.

You all have friends and family like this.  You think they are "the person that has everything."  The truth is, they have voids that they fill faster than someone that likes to eat their feelings.  Understand that you are not going to win.  Your best bet is to feed their habit.  Find the store where your friend is paying the owner's children's way through college, and get them a gift card. 

Motorola and Verizon have teamed up to bring us the Droid (video below).  I know it's the first gen, and I don't want to end up like early iPhone adopters, but I'm this close to giving a testicle to buy the damn thing.  Actually, I would just use money.

Looking at the phone, I am stoked about it being on the Verizon network, mostly because they have the largest 3G network.  Not an issue if you never leave NYC, but I get some travel under my belt.  I also love the idea of having a physical keyboard.  I've played with the iPhone's virtual keyboard.  Either I need a lot more practice, or it's just not for me.  However, there are some things that would warrant waiting.

I hear the keyboard is a bit too flat, and the keys aren't offset, which means you don't get as much physical feedback on where your finger actually is on the button.  Also, it apparently does not have world-roaming capabilities.  However, the first adopters will develop enough interest and funds for that to be able to change.  Well, definitely the keyboard thing.

There's a term known as being at the "bleeding-edge of technology."  It refers to people that are the early adopters of a technology that isn't firmly entrenched in society.  Sometimes it's good to be there, sometimes it isn't.  The bleeding edge people are the people who provide the initial drive and funding for the technology to become mainstream.  Most of the time, it's what floats the company/technology along for the time it takes it to become popular, and for the price to come down so the masses will buy it.  Other times, it represents the start of a small war.  Remember Blu-Ray vs. HD-DVD (or VHS vs Beta-Max).  Bleeding-edgers who bought the PS3 helped win that one for Blu-Ray.  The porn industry is what won it for VHS.

[This is a bit of nerd talk]  I remember buying an 802.11a/b/g card in 2003.  802.11g is now the standard, however there was a lot of speculation over which would win, and all three were in use.  If you didn't have the right one when you needed it, you were screwed.  Rather than stepping out onto the edge completely, so the card basically future-proofed me.  Kind of like if you purchased a player that played Blu-Ray and HD-DVD.

*Late Edit*
So, about 10 minutes after I post this entry, I find out that the European version of the phone is called the Milestone.  That means that it will use a SIM chip (which may work here with SIM chips like the one in Verizon Blackberrys), and that it supports pinching to zoom.  The pinching to zoom can probably be added easily, but the SIM capability can't.  Only downside is that it would require that I pay full price for the phone.

Sometime being the go to guy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Like doing homework?  Doesn't matter.  It also doesn't matter that you never took the subject, or haven't touched the material in a decade.  As long as you can figure it out, your phone is a homework hotline.  I specialize in Pre-K, junior high, high school and college courses.

Resume writing?  Your ability to turn words into better words instantly qualifies you for the position.  I've gotten people jobs with the resumes I've written.  The best part is, there's no lying involved.  take words that describe your skills and abilities and weave them into a rainbow of awesomeness.

Know the law?  I might as well be Johnnie Cochran.  The sad thing is, a LOT of people just don't know the laws.  I mean stuff that constitutes your basic rights.

Have a lack of drama in life?  Don't worry, you can have everyone else's.

What actually prompted this revelation was my desire to change phones and carriers.  My current plan has unlimited incoming calls, and 500 anytime minutes (which pretty much means outgoing), so I decided to look at usage to figure out what plan I would need, since this one isn't offered anymore.  When I looked at my call breakdown I was shocked:

Incoming: 1,093 minutes
Anytime: 138 minutes
Nights and Weekends: 381 (This is where I usually call family that hasn't called me.)

There is a large disparity between me making calls and people calling me.  According to Billshrink.com, most of my phone time occurs on Monday (293 minutes) and tapers off until Sunday (53) minutes.

Lastly (and this was the shocker), one person makes up 19% of my phone time!  That means that for every 5 minutes that I spend on the phone, almost 1 minute is spent with them.

On a related note, I almost broke down and fully considered an iPhone.  However, Verizon unveiled it's Droid.  Videos are at the bottom of the page.  This may be my next phone.

In a relationship, women ask a lot of questions.  The problem is, many of these questions are just traps to start a fight.  This is different from the "Twist your words" game they play in that, rather than take what you actually said and twisting it, they ask a loaded question that, if answered, is cause for an argument.  Here are a few examples of the questions:

1. Which one of my friends would you sleep with? (Sometimes with "If we broke up," added.
2. Which one of my friends do you think is the prettiest?
3. If I died, would you get remarried/date one of my friends?

The biggest problem with this is that, according to the rules that they apparently set, you do not have the option to not answer the question, or to give a null answer.  In the case of a null answer, they will state that you "have to" make a choice, and that you "just pick one."  Let's look at an example of the game:

Her: Which one of my friends do you think is the prettiest?
Him: Babe, I don't look at your friends like that.
Her: Oh, come one.  I'm just asking which one you think is the prettiest.
Him: I don't know.  I wouldn't really pick one.
Her: Oh, just pick one.  It doesn't matter.  (This is the bacon-flavored bait.)
Him: Fine.  Um.. Jenn.
Her: Jenn?!  Do you think Jenn is prettier than me?
Him: No.  You just asked me to pick one, so I did.
Her: So, you want to sleep with Jenn?  Is that who you are going to cheat on me with?
Him: This is bullshit!

Attempts to avoid the question rarely work.  Saying "I don't know.  Give me some time to think about it," in an attempt to see if she will forget to ask you later won't work.  No one forgets where they placed the landmine. 

That's why men need to start a new game: "You Answer That First".  Here is how it works: She asks you a loaded question.  Then you either force a fumble or intercept.

The Interception is "That's a loaded question.  How about you answer that first."  The idea here is that you want her to see the absurdity of the question (mostly because if you wanted to sleep with her friends, you would just sleep with her friends.  Furthermore, sleeping with her friends would only cause headaches).  Her refusal to answer becomes grounds for your refusal to answer.  If she answers, just jump to what to do while you have the ball.

There's the chance that she will refuse to answer the question first if you just say it like that, or that she will pressure you more.  That's when you go to try the Forced Funble.  You stall for time by saying you're not sure, and then say "what about you?"  If she stalls, that's where you offer suggested answers (generally not ones that she would say), in order to lower her defenses.  Let's look at it in action:

Her: If we broke up,which one of my friends would you sleep with?
Him: Babe, I don't look at your friends like that.  What about you?
Her: Huh?
Him: Which one of my friends would you sleep with?
Her: None of them
Him: You have to pick one of them.  What about Pat Stango?  (This is the obviously wrong answer that you feed her.)
Her: Ewww.  Not Pat.
Him: Well, then, pick one.
Her: Roger Hailes, I guess.
Him: What the hell! Roger!

Now you have the ball.  If she tries to ask you to answer the question ignore it, and continue to act mad about the guy she named.  If possible, leave the area entirely.  Say you have to run to the store or something.  Later, if it comes up again, talk about it in a calm manner.  Try to use phrases like "I trust you," "I was just surprised when you said him" and "Let's just not talk about it anymore."  For extra points, follow it up with a a quick kiss.  Finally, quickly busy yourself with something, or leave the area.

Let me just say up front that I am cheap.  Not "I won't spend a dime," cheap, but "I'm not going to spend a dime if i can get it for a nickel," cheap.  Even then, I'll be trying to get an additional 20% off or free shipping.  For example,  I like comedy shows.  Some of my friends are comedians.  I haven't paid for a laugh in months.

There is never a reason to pay full price (or just the expensive price) for something unless you need it RIGHT NOW, or the price is the same everywhere.  I will never buy something from Best Buy, unless these conditions are met, and the one time it did happen, I found that Radio Shack was cheaper.  Yeah, Radio Shack still exists.

Cables are an example of this.  Unless you need to hook up a projector today, don't buy from a store (and NEVER buy Monster cables.  Best Buy sells an 8-foot in-wall certified HDMI cable for $79.99.  Monoprice.com sells it for $9.60, or you can pay the Best Buy price there and get 75 feet.

The real reason I'm talking about this is because next month I plan to visit a friend in Iowa for a few days (yeah, I anticipate TONS of excitement).  Originally, to fly from LaGuardia to Iowa was going to cost $550.  I REALLY did not want to bite a bullet that big, but to go to a larger airport would have my friend drive an hour each way to get me. 

However, my pocket change started tingling.  What if I were willing to drive it?  A rental car couldn't cost that much.  Oh, and then I can use my government rate.  Oh, and I'm a member at BJ's, so I can get one free weekend day on the car.  Then I just had to compare the rates, after discounts, for the top 6 companies (Alamo won).

End total: Flight ($212) + Car(169) - [Gov rate (22.10) + Free Day ($30.58)] = $343.33.  Oh, and then I'll use the credit card I rarely ever use to get the points so I can cash in for $50 from reward points (so I'm under $300, net).  In the end, it's 47% cheaper, and all I had to do was add a car.

There is an old men's game, whose copyright ran out a looooong time ago.  Because of this, there are a number of knock-offs, and although there are many names, the rules are the exact same.  It is typically played with women, although they don't like to adhere to the rules.  Some of the names include:

1. My exact words were...
2. Technically, what I said was...
3. And I quote...
4. The words that actually came out of my mouth
5. That is not what I said.  (This is the worst name for the game.)

The game is so simple, that the majority of the rules are implied by the name of the game itself.  I say this because I anticipate a particular conversation coming up with someone where I will say something, and they will reply with a response that implies that I said something else.

For example, I just saw Zombieland.  During the movie, the main character has a number of rules that he follows.  Rule #1 is "Cardio", which comes from the fact that when the zombie apocalypse occurs, the first people to go will be the fatties, since they will be unable to outrun the zombies.

Here is how the convo will go when I get to this part.
Me: Yeah, so rule number one was cardio, since the first people to go were fat people.
Them: Are you saying that I would be one of the first to go? (or some variation of this.)

Notice how none of their responses are anything like the words that came out of my mouth.  Techincally, their statement also implies that you are calling them a fattie.  For my words to match what they are saying, the words that came out of my mouth would have to end with "like you."

Amazingly, men put up with this crap all the time.  And what's worse, is that WE end up backpedling and appologizing for crap that we never actually said.  (That's also why name #5 was bad.  As soon as you say that, is seems defensive, rather than correcting.)

Screw that!

From now on, whenever you find yourself in a situation like this, rather than run, say "Hold on.  Let's play the 'Exact Words That Came Out of My Mouth' game," and cut that crap off early.