The Metropolitan Detention Center of Brooklyn to be exact.  I got a 4 hour tour.

A four-hour tour.  It’s a long time to be in a prison, especially when you haven’t eaten lunch.  When you’re walking around a lockup, surrounded by prisoners, as cool as I can keep it, you always keep the idea in the back of your mind that you may have to kill your way out.  After the tour, I found out that my buddy, a former Special Forces officer, had the same thoughts.

When you drive past the building, you would have no idea that it was a prison.  It just looks like a large warehouse.  There is no large fence with snipers outside or anything.  However, the level of control exercised in this place is unbelievable.  There are two doors between inmates and freedom at all time.  Key control is done such that no one key will get you very far.  Also, certain areas are completely self sufficient from other areas.  The prison itself it pretty self-sufficient from the world, too.  All repairs and work (except elevators, due to liability) are performed by prison staff.  That means food prep, welding, masonry, repairs, etc.  Also, ever staff member is an officer, and qualify for a law enforcement officer pension.  That means the doctors, the secretaries, the electronics people, etc.  If something goes wrong, you can arm anyone in there, because they are all trained, and regularly train.

The Special Housing Unit (SHU) is an interesting place, and is what you would be talking about if someone mentioned “the hole.”  It’s where they house either the worst of the worst, people who have misbehaved, or people that have to separated from general population or others.  For example, one guy was in there not only because he killed a bunch of people, but because he had a kill list that included a judge and a US Attorney.  They also administer their own punishment (yes, a jail within a jail).  For example, one guy has lost phone privileges until 2040.  It’s funny because he is only sentenced until 2015.  However, it does deter people from helping him cheat the phone system.

Another thing that is dangerous: keys.  If a key is lost and not recovered in the Bureau of Prisons, that key can NEVER be used again, and all locks that use it must be changed.  FYI, that’s a pain in the neck, since there are a LOT of locks.  So you know, a phone is also just as dangerous as a gun, since a prisoner can do things like order hits on people.

At the end of the tour, they showed us video of some of the incidents that they had in the prison: fights, stabbings, etc.  There are cameras just about everywhere.  Oh, there was a video of a guy in the visiting room with his kid and baby-mama (I guess).  He had her sneak in cocaine, and while he was there (kid on lap), he was trying to covertly shove the coke up his ass.  Oh, yeah, and he was seated.  I don’t really want to go into this, but he did come to the visit lubed up.

If you think life in there is crappy, it’s not.  At least not for criminals.  The place was VERY clean.  At one point, one of the inmates was buffing a floor, and I felt bad walking on it.  They have access to medical and dental staff for minor things, and the equipment is state of the art (surgery can only be done at a larger prison, or they will have to wait until their sentence is up).  Inmates figure that as long as they are locked up, they might as well  get some free health care.  Remember this when people talk about the health care bill.

It’s not overcrowded, either.  MDC Brooklyn can house approximately 3,000 inmates, buy only currently has about 2,300. 

Here’s a small fact.  When a fight breaks out, all the prisoners run.  Not to fight, but for things like ice.  They know that once the officers respond the unit is going into lock-down.  In fact, some inmates will try to stop the fight themselves, so they don’t get locked-down.  For example, we saw a video where some guys had planned to stab another guy in his cell (no cameras in the cells).  Anyway, the fight breaks out in the cell, and after a minute or two, the guy in the adjacent cell comes running out in flip-flops, no shirt, and carrying a towel.  He wanted to get a shower in before they had to be in their cells for a few days.  Another guy ran to get his bucket of ice.

The place is not like OZ, and I’m sure that prison is not a fun time, but these are criminals and terrorists (a couple that I am well acquainted with are locked up in there).  I wouldn’t want to be in there, but I also haven’t committed violations of federal law. 

My desk looks like a tornado hit it. Hard. I’m completely ok with that, though. When there is a lack of work, if done properly, it gives the appearance that work is being done. There are documents that have literally been on top of my desk for 3 weeks, and when I’m doing actual work, they still sit there. You can never appear to have too much work.

There are random post-it notes on my desk, once used for actual work, that I had taken notes on at some point. When I take notes very quickly, the writing is usually spaced out pretty good. However, due to my disdain for waste, they will sit there until they are completely covered in ink. If you grabbed one and started looking at it, the text goes in 8 different directions, and you would be hard pressed to figure out the relationship between a whole bunch of fractions and [I just realized that nothing else on the paper can be written here, even in a vague manner, so that's the end of that example].

Technically, if done right, most of the work that I have to do can be done without the use of physical papers. A good chunk of it can either be done away from the desk, or on the computer in such a manner that nothing physical needs to be produced, save for proofreading.

Now, there is a balance to this. The paper can’t just be thrown there, which is pretty much the manner in which it got there, Things have to be stacked and offset in ways to show that they were lovingly placed in their current position, in an attempt to denote order and importance.

After writing that last paragraph, I took a look at my desk, and believe I’m violating that rule. Time to get to work.

I have a bunch of cousins.  However, I deal with 3 of them a LOT more than I deal with other ones, and they come in a group, since they are siblings.

The eldest is by far the most normal.  This probably explains why he is going insane around the other two.  He mostly uses me for advice when it comes to buying things or working out.  He may also go into the military or law enforcement.  Like I said, most normal one.

The middle cousin is the one that seems to want to debate all the time.  However, the things he brings to the table aren’t sound arguments.  Yeah, I know.  I’m debating an 8th grader, but in the age of the internet, they should have as much information as anyone else, especially when they are choosing the topics.  It’s like everything is a competition.

The youngest one, and only girl, is the most fun/annoying.  If you go by what my family says, she apparently admires me.  However it does not show.  Mostly, she hands me a Nintendo DS to have me complete various games for her.  I’m like a 28-year-old game genie.  If she had better games, I would stop buying games for myself.

A few weeks ago, she told me that I was her second favorite cousin.  When i asked who the favorite was, she said it was my brother.  This surprised EVERYONE, since it was clearly a huge lie.  Also, of the people she could choose, we were surprised that she did not pick a more believable lie.  I proceeded to tell her that she was my 26th favorite cousin.  I also let her know that I had no ides if I even have 25 other cousins, so blank spaces would rank above her, and any new cousins would occupy those spaces.  I also demoted her a couple of ranks over teh next week or two. 

Yes, I’m mature.