April 18, 2008

• Trip to the doctor

  

  This past Tuesday, I had a doctor’s appointment for a full physical.  Unfortunately, I had to go all the way to Philly for it, which was a wonderful 2 hour drive.  Also, because they were drawing blood for tests, I could not eat anything for 12 hours prior to going there, and no breakfast the day of.  You could clearly see how great of a mood I would be in.  My appointment was at 8:30, so I left the house at 6:30, knowing that I would make up time speeding.  This plan was flawless until I actually got to philly and went from 80 MPH to 20 MPH for some unknown reason on the road.  I always wonder what happened, but i never see an answer, and we always get back up to speed at some random point.

  After filling out some paperwork upon arrival, I saw another guy who was currently in the same process that I am in (yes, that process).  I didn’t get to say much to him since he was doing his paperwork, but he will come into play later.  First test was a hearing test.  Not much to talk about there.

  Then the nurse took me to another room to do a couple of other tests.  “Just go in this room and take off your pants… I mean shirt.”  I’m not sure if it was just an actual slip or what.  Either way, I had an EKG (also comes into play later).  When that’s over she asks me if I want to give the urine sample.  I remind her that I haven’t eaten in 12 hours, so unless she wants powder, we should put that off.

  Next, she had to draw blood.  She left the room to get the equipment, since we were not in the normal room, and disappeared for a considerable amount of time.  This is why I bring a book.  When she returns, she explains to me that she hadn’t abandoned me, but she had to help the nurse in the other room.  Apparently, the other guy wasn’t doing so well when they took his, and she was there to help if he passed out.  He was a pretty tall guy, and apparently his palm got really sweaty and he looked pale.  I explained to the nurse that he was pretty pale when he got here, so there is probably no need for concern.  Apparently, they take a lot of blood, and when you combine this with no food for 12 hours, it can work on you. For regular checkups, they would only need two vials.  However, for this one, they would need six. 

  Vampires.

  She kept asking me if I was ok with needles and blood.  I told her I was perfectly fine with it.  She didn’t seem to believe me, and asked again, asking if I had ever fainted or anything.  I guess she was afraid that she would have to move me if I suddenly slumped out of the chair, and that would be a task worthy of two nurses.   I assured her that I was fine, and she proceeded to draw gallons of blood, while also being amazed that I watched the whole thing.  As in, I watched the needle go in, and all blood get drawn.  This apparently made me worthy of being bragged about to the other nurses in the office.

  A quick snack, a quick pee (where the speed in which I entered the bathroom, peed, and exited was also legendary to the nurse), and an eye test and it was time for the long capacity test.  There have this tube that looks like the end of a vacuum cleaner hose, and they have you breathe all of the way in and then blow into the tube as long and hard as you can.

  “You blow into this, and I’ll be coaching you.”  She literally coached me.  “And…  BLOW!!!  KEEP GOING KEEP GOING KEEP GOING, BLOW BLOW BLOW BLOW BLOW BLOW, and.. stop.”

  I was exhausted.  “Alright, just two more times and that’s it.”  She was serious.  I would hate to be whoever cleans out that tube, because I’m sure there’s spit collected at the bottom.

  Next, i went to sit in another room and wait for the doctor that would be examining me.  This time, it was correct for me to take off my pants, as well as the shirt.  Anyway, he comes in, and does a couple of tests and begins grilling me on any cardio workouts that I do.  This was like 2 minutes of continuous questions.  In the end, he told me he had to ask so that he had an explanation for why my heart rate was really low.

  

  After most of the checkup was done, he told me that in the future, everyone that applied and/or worked for this organization would have to get a rectal check.  I (not wanting a finger in my butt), said that I thought that prostate exams were only necessary for guys over 37.  He explained that apparently they would be checking for hemorrhoids and stuff.  I (still not wanting a finger in the butt), asked if this requires the finger.  He didn’t know, and apparently the organization didn’t specify yet.  However, he stated that he was not looking forward to having to do the checks.

  Oh, earlier, I had been talking to the nurse about the fact that I had to drive 2 hours to come here, and said, “I mean, is this the only hospital in the state that does this.”  Yup.  This is the only place in the state that has a contract to do this, and apparently, they have had it for a while.

  Anyway, next the doctor said that something looked weird on my EKG.  It’s a bunch of squiggly lines, as far as I’m concerned, so i just nod and look at whatever he points at.  Then he says he need to check something and leaves the room.  He comes back 2 minutes later and tells me that they want to do another EKG, just so that he doesn’t have to refer me to a cardiologist before he can clear me.  I then end up waiting for 5 minutes, which is not helping my heart rate.

  

   Fortunately, the second test was perfectly fine, and it may have been something wrong with the leads.

  Black 6, out.

  • 10:02 am
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