April 8, 2008

• I F–king Swear

  This entry contains language not suitable for children.  If you believe that children haven’t heard this before.  Also, you HAVE TO watch the videos at the end of the post.

  Being in the Army gave me a certain expertise in certain skills.  Unfortunately, one of these skills happens to be swearing.  Don’t get me wrong.  I swore while I was in high school, but I’m sure that I didn’t swear as creatively as I do now.  I don’t think it’s “excessive” since I really only use it in times of extreme emotion, story-telling, exasperation, or if it may add to the humor or what I am saying. 

  

  I can turn it off in general, especially during meetings and such.  Also, I can turn it off around children, so all is well.  Efforts to stop it completely have been less than successful.

  

  I know that some stuff is more offensive than others.  Like, I can easily get away with.  “Holy s–t, we’re f–ked.” 
  However, in extreme moments of exasperation, “Jesus-f–king-Christ” is definitely going to turn heads. However, I don’t use the N-word.  Except in jest pf those who use it excessively.  For example, one day, I was standing somewhere with a friend, and I swear that every other word out of the mouth of a person near us was that word.  Like, if you told a story and used that word instead of “man”, “[the/this/that] guy”, “him”, “dude”.  So I turned to my friend and (somewhat quietly) acted like I was telling a story, but ONLY using that word, and keeping my voice inflections.  Granted, it was only 6 words in a row, but I think I got my point across.

  

  You know how, if you’ve ever taken a public speaking class, they teach you to avoid saying “um” and “like”.  Well, when I was in Ranger School, somehow, we had all gotten to the point of replacing “um” with “f–king”.  It would be the first word of a sentence or train of thought.  This is not to be confused for when we used it as an adjective for most of our nouns.  Taken literally, everything was fornicating: rivers, houses, objectives, roads, etc.  Even worse were the ones that were doing it with mothers.  Sometimes, I’ve heard more swears than words in a sentence: such as in “F–k you, you f–king f–ks.” 

  

  Even further down the line are the ones that I can’t use.  By this, I mean that there is a very small section of society that would accept the terms used.  “Shut your c–k holster (mouth),”  is either going to be misunderstood (although no one has ever replied with “which one”) or is used in such a scenario that the stress of the moment makes the completely overshadows the statement and causes compliance, rather than outrage.  “Ball-washer” may also be used.

  Lastly there are the ones that are funny.  You generally still can’t say these in certain places, but they will draw a laugh.  For example, if someone opens something VERY enthusiastically, you can say that they “tore it open like a sack of vaginas.”  Yes, I know that vaginae is the proper pluralization, but I have never heard that word used.  Even the IDEA of swearing is pretty funny, even when you don’t hear the word.  Here are two examples:

   

  Swearing is pretty commonplace these days.  I’m pretty sure that if we did not put so much of a taboo on it, people would stop caring about it all together.  Eventually it would lose it’s power.  I would still do it, but at least all of f–kers with a pole up their a– wouldn’t complain. 

  Black 6, out.

  • 9:18 am
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